Today was a rough one. sitting here all day in the rain....getting hate spewed at me from 40 miles away. No matter how hard I try to make her not hate me it just seems to make her hate me more. I move into my new place tomorrow. I am terrified of this. Im not sure why. Maybe change just scares me. I have every reason on earth to hate her back.....I just can't. The love I have for her is gonna be a hard thing to get rid of. It may never fully go away.
Im ok when Im around friends. I can laugh. Drink. Be somewhat normal but the sitting here alone is going to kill me. I may be going back to memphis around christmas. at least i can do that now without constantly worrying about what she is about to be mad about or who shes texting or calling the whole time. who am i kidding...of course ill be worrying about those things. im a fool. i am a total fucking fool. i keep repeating to myself DONT BE A DICK. dont do anything to upset her. dont get all angry revengy...let me clarify i would NEVER do anything physical....just little shit to piss her off.....but i wont. ill let her hate me and curse me to her friends and pretend that im the cause of everything thats wrong in her life....and ill be sitting here wondering if she's right. no internet after tomorrow til tuesday....what the fuck am i gonna do? i sold all my records and dvds to pay her bills last year.... guess ill learn to knit.
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