long

Alabama won the sec championship today. Kentucky and the evil coach cal lost. Normally id be bouncing off the walls and looking forward to celebrating in the arms of my beautiful girlfriend.instead ive spent the whole day chain smoking and tossing around in my bed. The sheets still smell like her. no friends around tonight. No way to hide from my thoughts. Just me and my shadow. Maybe ill try and work on my script some. Not sure i can focus...
This new apartment is awesome. Im living in a 3 bedroom condo with a very nice 50 something jewish lady. Now no pork allowed in this house but she pays the utilities and the cable and theres a maid that comes and does my laundry. Theres a washer and dryer and a dishwasher in the unit and im close to everything...oh and rent is cheap....but Without the people i have come to know as my family its just an empty cubby hole.
Hey whaddaya know...the grizz are beating the spurs....
I know everyone is gonna comment “itll be ok bro. Chin up things will get better” thanks guys. Really. But save it. Its not going to get better any time soon. I would give anything to book something so i could at least work. Make some money. Have something to focus on. Why do i even waste my time writing this shit? Makes me feel better for a few minutes i guess. I want my brain to stop working.
I had a lot of fault in this. I wont deny it. Her issues collided with mine and if i had tried to fix mine sooner maybe I would be lying on the couch watching law and order svu and getting ready to make love....god How i miss the making love.... Instead i keep staring at the clock hoping it will speed up to a decent time to go to sleep. Kinda wish i had sleeping pills. If i go to sleep now naturally ill be up at 3 am....pills Though and i oculd be out for a while. Ambien would rule.blah Blah fuckin blah shut the fuck up patrick. There are people in this world with real problems. Yeah i know but i cant see past my own pain right now. One day when its gone ill double my efforts to save the world ok? I cant even port this til tomorrow coz i dont have internet and will have to go sit at fucking starbucks. Tuesday! Then ill have it! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck why cant i have something to do tonight??????
Now its sunday. Nope dont have the desire to go sit somewhere with wifi. Maybe tomorrow. Had it out with her again. Well...she called to be “calm” and did what she always does. She told me all the awful things i did and then when it was my turn to get things off my chest she hung up in my face so it just dissolved into a text message battle. I keep going through different mindsets. After this i was all about im over her. The sadness was replaced with anger and having said some things i had always wanted to say...a bit closure. Now though.....i dunno......i guess maybe this should be my last blog about it. Im sure you fucks are tired of hearing about it every day. so many positives about being on my own right now but im just a man who needs some comfort. I need someone to come home too. To hold hands with. To feel connected too. My best friends are all in texas and tennessee. The guys who would be my wingmen on my hunt for someone new. The guys who would drop everything and drink with me on a saturday night....or a monday night...i need a little bit of that right now. Ok im gonna fuck off now. Not having the internet is killing me. I could at least be watching some tv shows on my computer...or some porn....either Way. No people...phone porn is NOT a good substitute. You know i actually gave up porn while i was dating her? She didnt believe it but it was true. Sleep tight, angel....or Devil....still Deciding.