necklaces of perfect word to hang around your perfect throat

got out tonight. out of this cell and out into the real world....or hollywood...kinda like the real world. some friends from memphis took me out t dinner at the farmers market. good times. spent the drive home ordering myself to stop smoking. listened to 24 hour revenge therapy side be. got some perspective. i love this girl. more than anyone on this earth. more than i have ever had heart enough to love anyone. not enough. know what though? i am. i am fuking good enough. im pretty fucking great. not in an inflated ego way just in a if she doesnt appreciate me then thats her loss kinda way. im gonna watch sons of anarchy and go to sleep.

fuckin garth brooks

seriously? i was doin fine. feeling positive...feeling strong...then some asshole goes and posts learning to live again by garth brooks and i went and listened to it and next thing i know my big punk rock hardcore ass is singing along with tears in my eyes...what in the fucking fuck is wrong with me? well now im listening to every sad song garth ever laid down and im being a big girl.

hard floor cold reality

I feel like a prisoner...marking on the wall counting down his days til freedom. 25 to go....give or take...she came home after a long day of being elsewhere. Im assuming the waterpark with the kid. she went into the bathroom and closed the door. i went outside to smoke...really need to quit smoking again....couldnt see her face. bad enough hearing her voice. at least when its not directed at me there is no anger in it.....peaceful and horrible at the same time. my back hurts from this floor my lungs hurt from these damnable smokes my head hurts from all the tears and my heart hurts for obvious reasons. my friends all say run. my mind agrees. my heart.....it wants it all to go back to the way it was. it wants a time machine so I can go back and do things differently.....even though my mind also knows it is dealing with a crazy person who is well beyond the grasp of reason. yo yo. up and down. one minute im defiant and ready to start my life again....those are usually the moments when shes gone or a friend is pumping me full of confidence....the next its back to listening to sad songs and praying that maybe she will wake up tonight and miss me being beside her....beside her is my default position....havent missed more than a night or two there in over a year and a half.... 25 more days. then my pining can be done elsewhere and hopefully slowly be less and less of my daily ritual.i need to focus. i need to be in the gym. i need to be writing a new script. i need to be in a bar somewhere flirting with some girl who in my mind will be named tina..... anyone else heard that garth brooks song? which one of them will be you tonight? beautiful...and a warning to any rebounders I may wind up kissing one day I may accidentally call you by her name. dont be mad...ok you can be mad but I wont be able to help it. maybe ill just call you baby to keep myself out of trouble. who is the guy thats gonna take me place? maybe for a night maybe for an eternity....will she be thinking of me? will she accidentally scream out my name in the heat of passion? god i hope so. im glad though that we dont really share any friends so out of ight out of mind. in my mind she will take a vow of celibacy and spend the rest of her life wondering why she ever left me...in a nunnery somewhere... really? sweet n low by trusty isnt on youtube? savages....if you know that song thats how im feelin right now.... hope i find that someone soon. that someone who will take away the pain and replace it with a future. I need to watch more sons of anarchy...get my tough guy fuck it all manliness going again. maybe i need to get into a fight? oh nevermind the new episode of breaking bad just got done downloading....i introduced her to that show. we watched all 4 seasons in a month. night and day....gonna be weird watching it without her. well hell if skylar and walt can work things out..... when will i stop writing about this you ask? i dont know. its always made me feel better and since no one cares to read zines anymore....i guess ill do this....ill stop one day....fuck. gonna watch breaking bad...no trusty huh...what can i leave you guys with.... ummmmmm

maybe something upbeat....

insanity is a full time job

doing the same thing over and over....and over....and over...and expecting a different result. im officially insane.tried one last time to convince her to go to therapy with me. one last stand int he battle to save my family....failure. just more of her barking at me aabout whats wrong with me while doing the exact same things she says i do that piss her off. oh and apparently telling someone they are being a hypocrite is an insult. i thought it was just stating a fact. so i walk out of the room, get in my car, and go to the gym. on the way there i had a very illegal driving while talking cell phone chat with a man whos opinion I trust. he informed me that i have a golden opportunity to live a dream that most people are never able to achieve. that i am right where i need to be as long as i can get away from the anchor thats holding me down. he is right. my biggest fear is that im 36 years old....will i ever find love that will last/ will i ever have a family? well maybe im good enough. maybe if i get out of this hell and reenter life Ill find it. maybe not...but at least i can be me again. at least i can refocus on my auditions...maybe on writing again. im doing better in my first 2 years than 99 percent of those who have tried to come to hollywood and be someone...its disrespectful of me to not appreciate it and give it my all. so ladies...im here. who wants to hang out? im a pretty awesome boyfriend. what am i looking for you ask? someone who can take a fucking joke. someone who wont go insane if i jerk off every once in a while. i mean come on what man when their lady is sick and doesnt touch you for 2 weeks wont go rub one out in the shower???? good luck findin that guy sweety. im sure he will be a real catch. oh yeah that bugs me too...the thought of anyone ever again touching her....makes me sick....i guess ill get over that. i mean she is gorgeous...she wont have any trouble finding dudes....now perfect dudes that are clean freaks, never disagree with her, and never have gentlemens time....thats another story... anyway im off point again...so im going to look at a room in a house today. hopefully itll be awesome. either way im stuck sleeping on the floor in a spare room til i can move in...living in the same house is brutal....but today i find myself feeling kinda ok. today i am inspired and ready to go live my fucking life without her and her kid. never did have much in the way of family....guess ill readjust. id like to thank craig christian clay and chris for helping to talk me out of all this. those are the c's there is also scott...but mainly frankie stubbs for singing me clear of my funk.

get over it

you sir are a gigantic fucking pussy. go wash your face, ignore these weak ass feelings and be a fucking man.
here endeth the blog.