DAD

my dad and i have always had a very rocky relationship. i spent the first 16 years of my life fearing him. I spent a good part of the next 13 or so hating him. I mean black out and find myself punching a wall wishing it was his face knuckles bleeding hate. things change. perspectives. his. mine. ours. hes a different man now. so am i in many ways. either way its good to have him in my life again. in fact he bailed me out of a jam today. do a couple of good years of positivity erase decades of mental and physical and emotional terror? not completely but its a good start. the man had me in his 20s. i think like many he thought he was supposed to get married and start a family after college. i dont think he knew what he was getting into in either instance. i think he freaked out and was overwhelmed. not making excuses for him just thinking out loud. i kinda feel like a dad now. i feel like ive started my own family. i hate to think how bad i woulda fucked that up at 24. now at 35....kinda feels like im ready for it. i always said i would never be like my dad. im cool being like my dad at 60. its a huge responsibility...not just financially but i mean for fucks sake...you play a large part in how another human being turns out. their happiness sadness success failure... a large part of that is completely up to the parent. sorta mindblowing....totally worth it. i dont have the freedom i had 6 months ago. i dont have the money i had 6 months ago. im happier than ive been in my entire life though so i dont really mind. kinda wonder how me and my old man wouldve been if he had had me at 35 instead of 20 something. family....waited so long to have one. hope i dont mess it up. i mean yeah my friends are family....but i mean sit down and eat together, spend the holidays together, make it a blockbuster night FAMILY. good times. now if  someone would just put me in their movie/tv show and pay me more than the minimum amount possible my life would be absolutely perfect. i dont need to be a millionaire....i mean ill take it....just enough to take the family snorkling in the bahamas and come home to our cozy 3 bedroom in the valley complete with lush green yard for the dogs and a swimming pool. might even get a hammock. yes honey id love some more ice tea......dad. daddy. pops.....call me dude if you want. its the love im after not the name tag.

hey god...cut me some slack

the last few days have been amazing, things with me and tina have been fantastic. things with me and tinas daughter are going well. got some really good auditions.....yeah im worried about money and how im gonna pay this fucking stupid bullshit traffic ticket i was tricked into....but life has been good. hanging out with my family and some really good friends....beach etc....now my roommate comes home and drops th bomb that in 6 months he may be gone....well fuck me...the one thing i was sure of was i could cover my half of the rent every month and i had a good stable roommate....i dont have a regular job...i have iffy credit....i cant move coz who the fuck would rent me a place? i know im overreacting...i know i can find another roommate....but fuck me can i just have one day where i dont have to worry about something?
i am completely in love...i mean i couldnt imagine spending my life with anyone else. between her and her kid i feel like i have a family for the first time since i was 16. my personal life is perfect. but of course the perfect storm of financial ass rape hit me and messed up the rest,,,,,,if i ever find the piece of shit who broke her lease and wrecked my house i will shoot her up the ass with a 32...yeah,,,buckwheats.... things to do in denver when your dead is a fucking amazing film. i just want some security is that so much to ask for? not to be a billionaire but just to work steadily enough doing the job i love. im not asking to be handed anything...just the opportunity to earn a living. im a very talented actor and writer. im really not egotistical...but i know what im good at and i just need the chance to prove myself. everyone out here wants to be an actor...everyone has a screenplay...but not everyone has my talent. sorry...im not afraid to say im fucking good at these things. im shit at lots of things but acting....writing....identifying snakes...wrestling....these things im good at. i guess i should go to sleep...just having a mental freak out and needed to vent. thanks for listening....reading...whatever.... i need a fucking job.....i dont even want all this for myself....i want to take care of my family. thats what matters now.

grown up ass shit

so my girlfriend moved out here a couple weeks ago. her apartment isnt ready yet so shes been living with my roommate and i...her and her 2 dogs....and guinea pig...and turtle :) and this weekend we added her 12 year old daughter to our happy home. its amazing. sometimes she apologizes for taking up room and all that but i dont even think about it til she mentions it. i love it. i dont think she COULD ever impose on me. its a good and completely new feeling. usually i get sick of mother fuckers before they finish their opening sentence.....im actually spending my days looking after her kid. this kid is cool as shit. she likes bugs and snakes and all sorts of rad stuff....shes kinda like if i were a little girl....yeah i know tony i am a little girl...lets move on shall we. i guess the point is love should never be an imposition. when you realize that no matter what happens or what needs to be done or how big a pain in the ass something is it just doesnt bother you coz its for someone special. the kinda special that transcends friendship or family. doesnt matter what they need....you just do it with a smile. ok im a pussy....so what. never really felt this before and i like it. white picket fence here i come.
work has been slow...like maybe i need a real job slow....sometimes makes me wonder if im gonna make it here. i love it here. everything ive worked on i get nonstop compliments and people telling me how much im gonna work....then a month or two goes by without work and i start to wonder. i just need a real break. i need a character that doesnt die in his first episode. a movie that requires my presence for more than a day and pays actual union wages. as i get older i realize im not a kid anymore. i realize im wanting different things. comfort. family. a house. stability. financial stability more than anything. i used to not get that nervous feeling in my gut when the money started to dwindle...so what? im a punk! i can live in my car! not anymore. god so many dumb moves in my life...im paying for them now....i mean my life has been awesome....but time to realize i wont be young and awesome forever....ok i need to get the fuck off the computer and start making dinner...im a fantastic cook it turns out. real eye for presentation :0

fear and loathing in los angeles

so ive hit my one year mark. one year of successfully living in los angeles. gotta admit even after all my success early on im a little scared. WHAT IF i dont make it as an actor? WHAT IF one of these scripts that everyone says are so good never sells? ive been a touring rock star. ive been an actor. ive been a wrestler. ive worked at the fucking zoo but ultimately im a thirty something guy with no college degree a scary look and lots and lots of job resistant tats. nothing remotely professional to put on a resume for anything other than acting. i decided i wanted to find a job job...just a part time thing to keep me flush between gigs....who the fuck would hire me? i want a future. i want to one day marry my girl and have a nice house and kids and a yard and a 401k(whatever that is) and never worry about money again....so then what if i dont make it in la as an actor????????? what ifs are bullshit but reality sometimes comes a knockin and what ifs become kinda crucial. who wants to go through life working at petco? not me. before it wasnt a big deal. actor or bust. homelessness isnt scary. then you find something you want. something more than just your own shit. then you realize that your choices have consequences.....what i wouldnt give for a magic wand...or at least 2 wishes....the third wish would be used to trick the djin back into the bottle before he killed me...ive seen wishmaster mother fucker! genies do NOT look like barbara eden.

Will more than 5 people read this?

Well my last blog was removed coz im a foul mouthed prick. I blame Kentucker Audley fans.i honestly have nothing to fucking say right now so just think of this as a starting point.  im broke. havent booked a job in a couple months need a job and for some reason the font has changed automatically. i wish comic book art didnt suck these days. ok im gonna watch dexter. 
dont forget to buy your awesome real men love cox shirts. theyre awesome for men and women. one day i will be a fucking star. get in on the ground floor.

i swear next time ill be back to my clever  awesome thought provoking self. tonight im just exhausted and watching a bad romantic comedy.

i will leave you with a long distance dedication to someone very special.....

good night shit balls.

p.s. shirts are 20 ppd in the us add a buck for 3 and 4xl add 5 for international shipping. paypal. patdestruction@gmail.com with size and address.