so ive lived with a ton of shit recently. finding out how hypocritical my lady was. trying to let it go. finding out about the threeways she lied about and the guy back home she would send nude pics of herself to every time she got mad at me. trying to change everything about myself to make her want to stay with me when the truth is she is a toxic crazy lying piece of trash that i shouldve left in memphis. i certainly shouldnt have wasted thousands of dollars getting her out of trouble and moving her here. tonight i called the police coz she was going nuts and threatening me. just wanted to find out my rights while i looked for a place to move. well she lied and told them i took her phone to keep her from calling the cops...i called the fucking cops!!!!! i took her phone to show her her lies werent gonna play and i could read her the text messages she got from this guy after she sent him the pictures. oh and wanted to ask her about the time i paid for her to go to sacramento to see her girlfriends only to find out she NEVER even spoke to these imaginary friends and stayed in a hotel...with god knows who...then she told the cops that i have a gun and shes scared. i do not own a fire arm. i sold my grandfathers pistol last christmas coz we needed money for food. of course the cops didnt want to look or listen to me coz shes the hot young mom they all want to fuck...they flirt with her every time they are on the property for any reason at all....so both her and her daughter hit me...i didnt lay a finger on anyone...yet im the asshole who is told to leave. they wouldnt even let me go in an pack a bag...now i was told i COULD say she hit me but he would arrest me as well so i kept my mouth shut. even after all that i didnt want her in jail nor did i want her kid with CPS over night.luckily my buddy ken is letting me crash on his sofa.
no idea how or when im gonna find a place to live but i tell you what....probably the best thing thats ever happened to me. sure i have issues...but this chick...fuck me shes a nut job. im glad i didnt buy that ring. im glad we never got married or had any kids. i truly love this girl but there is no way we had a future. heres my advice. when every single person you know tells you someone is no good for you and that she is insane and ruining your life.....listen to them coz you cant see the crazy like they can. i shouldnt be writing this. i should be the bigger man....but fuck that. its 2 am and im scared and alone and completely unsure about my future.
i spent 6 hours holding her hand in an urgent care clinic today coz shes sick. i went and paid for her perscription. i made them dinner and tried to go to sleep....but even after all that she mistook something i said as sarcasm and lost her mind over it. i calmly tried to explain and apologize for the misunderstanding for half an hour before finally saying fuck it. if you want to cuss me out over my perceived behavior let me throw your behavior right back in your face. of course no one wants to be told all the rancid shit they do. anyway...i shoulda stopped gone downstairs gone to sleep....but i wouldve never been happy.
now i can refocus on writing...acting...living....im honestly not even mad or sad or any of that shit. im homeless but fuck man im free. i just feel bad that i have lost friends over this. i have pushed so many important and good people away trying to "be happy". im such a prick. i wanted a family and a beautiful girl so badly that i was too blind to see how it was fucking up my life. i guess i could be vindictive. i guess i could try and pay her back...completely nonviolently ....but i hope i can just let it go. 2 years of great sex! go me. im not completely innocent in this. i have my issues and my demons. my anger and my need to always be right were a definite obstacle but if im the only one willing to face these problems and try to be a better person its just never gonna work.
so sleep well my beauty. tomorrow you get to face to realities of life on your own. paying your own bills cleaning your own place. buying your own food. taking care of your kid solo....i know ill never see a dime of thoe thousands i spent keeping you safe and happy and taken care of but lesson learned. hopefully when the right girl pops into my life ill be ready and wont go nuts trying to force something that just isnt meant to be. there will always be love for her in my heart. truly....no idea if im making sense...just venting. cops are dicks.
Virtual hugs, buddy.
ReplyDelete"its 2 am and im scared and alone and completely unsure about my future."
ReplyDeleteMan oh man I've been there before. I went through a similar breakup - cops and all. I got choked up reading this entry, remembering how tightly I closed my eyes against the truth in the hopes that things would change, the hopes that I would finally have the family that I wanted, the hopes that all the time and sweat and tears and stress I had invested would pay off as something beautiful and lasting and worthwhile.
It's good to remember - being this far out from the damage has given me better perspective - but it's still a little raw. Sure, I'm free (and HAPPY to be so) but it cost a shitload.
I know all to well what it's like to suddenly have to face the truth of a thing and lose loved ones and friends in the processes. Reading your story reminds me of the pain and devastation, but also reminds me of how far I've come since, and how WORTH IT it was to wake up from the fantasy, no matter how wonderful it was at times.
My thoughts are with you, Patrick. I wish you well, bud.