another day for you and me in paradise

so....im in the middle of one of those times where my mind keeps going 1000 miles an hour wondering if shes talking to some dude on the phone or haing some really awesome revenge sex with someone she met in a bar once. howd my day go...lets see....while waiting to find out i will in all likelihood be homeless soon i tried to call her. i tried to tell her that i hope one day in the future when we are both calm and maybe worked through some of our personal shit we could possibly try and go get a cup of coffee. that maybe one day we would be able to try again....stupid i know but im stupid. all i got was an earful of what a piece of shit i am and how all the shady shit she did was my fault. i made her do it basically. she promised after she was done i could have a few minutes to say some things to her. well about 10 seconds into my few minutes i heard fuck you and the phone hung up.i didnt say a single ugly word to her. i was really trying to make things a little better....foolish mortal. then i lost the keys the guy whos letting me crash here let me borrow....seriously what a weekend. hes cool about it but i hate putting him out AT ALL after he is being so good to me. why cant i just let it the fuck go? i know im better off alone right now. i know it just wasnt working. but i fucking love her. every single person i know is telling me how crazy she is and how theyve been telling me for years that i needed to run....but i cant make my heart believe them.  im a hopeless romantic in the body of an offensive lineman. i need to get out. i need to take a trip. no i need to save every dime and pray i can get this tiny ass little room. also realizing i dont have drawers....or a chair....or anything. i have a mattress and a tv. cant wait for some girl to decide she wants to hang out and come see my place....it will look like im an 18 year old kid in his first place. i literally got rid of every fucking thing i owned while i was with her. mostly i sold everything i owned to help her and take care of my family...family...what a joke. when you are disposable you are not really a part of a family. fuckin life. i did start writing again today though. not sure if it was good or not but i started...thats what matters. why do i feel the need to make all this public? i guess it goes back to when i used to write zines. writing makes me feel better. sharing it and seeing if anyone can relate makes me feel a little more secure. ultimately i know very few people will ever see this and god help me if she ever finds this and reads it...but somehow it helps calm me down.
music lesson