Moving on?

So for the hundredth time now....me and my girl are done. I think this time it's for good. I wont go into all the details of why Im right and she's wrng Ill just say you cant have a relationship of any kind if there isnt equality. If there isnt respect and appreciation. so I move on??? I dont know exactly what that even means. I know Im heart broken. I have spent the last year and a half in love. I have spent all my time money and energy focused on my "family" and their needs. Now I go back to just me. It's kinda scary. I really thought we would get married ...have kids...picket fence...all that shit. There was no ifs ands or buts about it in my mind. now im a 36 year old nobody...will I ever find it again? yeah i know all you fucks will tell me how Ill be find and Ill find someone who appreciates me blah blah blah but will I really? Its like spending a year plus rebuilding a car...then when you turn the key it explodes...you spent 18 months on it...is it worth it to try and rerebuild it? I know the anger will fade and Ill find myself wishing there was some way we could patch things up and go back to being in love....but I just think its over. 99 percent of the time things were beyond beautiful but that one percent of the time...jeeeeeeez. I knwo Im not perfect. Everyone knows Im not perfect. Ive done some really shitty/dumb things in my life that will eventually circle around and bite me in the asshole....but I really was trying to be a better man. I lost the weight...not just for looks but because I wanted a long and healthy future with my family...I syarted dressing better. I learned how to clean things the right way(ok i kinda did i still suck at cleaning). I tried to become a calmer person. I did something ive never done before...i admitted when I was wrong. I went from a selfish bachelor to someone who sold everything he owned and went into debt to make the people he loves happier and healthier and more comfortable. wasnt enough. kinda makes me wonder if Ill ever be enough. not feeling sorry for myself here just thinking out loud. i truly believe that one day Ill be a success out here. tv...movies...something will pan out for me and Ill make my granny proud of me....but alone? I had actually started wanting success for reasons other than selfish ones. I wanted to do it for them. Ive lost track of my words...am I rambling yet? I will always love her. My lonely nights will be spent wishing she was lying beside me complaining that I breathe to hard in my sleep. My tears will be completely reserved for her. Every call I get saying I booked a part my first instinct will be to call her and take her out to celebrate. Im a sap at heart. truly I am. physically...emotionally....never wanted anyone more.I can truly say that.....but its over. kinda beginning to think queensryche had it right

so now what? would i trade it all in to not feel this pain? dont think i would. made me a better man. a tougher man. I learned a thing or two. i wonder if she will cry. i wonder if she will shed a single tear. will she even say goodbye? will this person who has been my whole world all this time suddenly and completely disappear from my life? guess ill find out. my moneys on yes.... one thing i know for sure is my future is back to being completely uncertain and im terrified. completely fucking terrified. i am a jawbreaker song.