ok let me try this again

high road. i need to take it. dont need to slam anyone. dont need to act like a fucking toddler...i need to grow the fuck up and act like a man.whats my next move? i guess find a place to live. hopefully this place in burbank is still an option. gonna call the guy later today make up some bullshit as to why i bailed on him a few days ago and hope on wednesday ill have the funds to pay first and last. find somewhere to forward my mail. contact all my employers and give them an address to send my tax shit.....ummm not panic. my therapist said to me once that just coz you love someone doesnt mean you can live with them. i love her. i will forever love her butits painfully obvious that i have to move on. physically we fit perfectly. i mean honestly the physical intimacy was beyond anything ive ever experienced. the difference she made in me was huge. i got a taste of real responsibility. i lost 14 inches worth of jean size. i actually have a wardrobe. i have confidence that i never thought in a million years i would have. i found out that a beautiful sexy woman can actually find me attractive. im grateful for all of these things. i am going to try my damndest to wish her the best in her life. one day ill be able to not get sick at the thought of another man touching her. one day ill be able to hear her name or look at her picture without wanting to throw myself off a roof. hopefully one day ill be a successful person sitting in a nice house with my beautiful wife watching our kids open their christmas presents. maybe ill just be another failure heading back home to memphis to be a perma bouncer in some bar til i die from a gun shot wound to the head in a parking lot for throwing out the wrong people.....who knows?but i have to do what i shouldve done a year ago and realize ive been banging my head against the wall for a long lost cause. id be lying if i said ill be over her any time soon but goddamit shes over me and this is something that neither of us can ever get over. said it before but its never been so real. hell at least now i can travel again. go see my friends in amarillo and memphis and the bay area. maybe start a fucking band again. grow old as gracefully as a middle aged punk rock pervert asshole loser with abandonment issues and a bad temper can. yeah im a pervert. if your from memphis youve heard the stories. no point in denying it! but i think at my core im a good person. i think i have the potential to have a good life. i guess we will just have to see where that life leads me. at least no one can ever say i didnt try. good night everybody. sorry for being a dick. sometimes a big fuckin baby. sometimes im pretty fuckin cool.