fuckin fuck

Today was a rough one. sitting here all day in the rain....getting hate spewed at me from 40 miles away. No matter how hard I try to make her not hate me it just seems to make her hate me more. I move into my new place tomorrow. I am terrified of this. Im not sure why. Maybe change just scares me. I have every reason on earth to hate her back.....I just can't. The love I have for her is gonna be a hard thing to get rid of. It may never fully go away.
Im ok when Im around friends. I can laugh. Drink. Be somewhat normal but the sitting here alone is going to kill me. I may be going back to memphis around christmas. at least i can do that now without constantly worrying about what she is about to be mad about or who shes texting or calling the whole time. who am i kidding...of course ill be worrying about those things. im a fool. i am a total fucking fool. i keep repeating to myself DONT BE A DICK. dont do anything to upset her. dont get all angry revengy...let me clarify i would NEVER do anything physical....just little shit to piss her off.....but i wont. ill let her hate me and curse me to her friends and pretend that im the cause of everything thats wrong in her life....and ill be sitting here wondering if she's right. no internet after tomorrow til tuesday....what the fuck am i gonna do? i sold all my records and dvds to pay her bills last year.... guess ill learn to knit.

another day for you and me in paradise

so....im in the middle of one of those times where my mind keeps going 1000 miles an hour wondering if shes talking to some dude on the phone or haing some really awesome revenge sex with someone she met in a bar once. howd my day go...lets see....while waiting to find out i will in all likelihood be homeless soon i tried to call her. i tried to tell her that i hope one day in the future when we are both calm and maybe worked through some of our personal shit we could possibly try and go get a cup of coffee. that maybe one day we would be able to try again....stupid i know but im stupid. all i got was an earful of what a piece of shit i am and how all the shady shit she did was my fault. i made her do it basically. she promised after she was done i could have a few minutes to say some things to her. well about 10 seconds into my few minutes i heard fuck you and the phone hung up.i didnt say a single ugly word to her. i was really trying to make things a little better....foolish mortal. then i lost the keys the guy whos letting me crash here let me borrow....seriously what a weekend. hes cool about it but i hate putting him out AT ALL after he is being so good to me. why cant i just let it the fuck go? i know im better off alone right now. i know it just wasnt working. but i fucking love her. every single person i know is telling me how crazy she is and how theyve been telling me for years that i needed to run....but i cant make my heart believe them.  im a hopeless romantic in the body of an offensive lineman. i need to get out. i need to take a trip. no i need to save every dime and pray i can get this tiny ass little room. also realizing i dont have drawers....or a chair....or anything. i have a mattress and a tv. cant wait for some girl to decide she wants to hang out and come see my place....it will look like im an 18 year old kid in his first place. i literally got rid of every fucking thing i owned while i was with her. mostly i sold everything i owned to help her and take care of my family...family...what a joke. when you are disposable you are not really a part of a family. fuckin life. i did start writing again today though. not sure if it was good or not but i started...thats what matters. why do i feel the need to make all this public? i guess it goes back to when i used to write zines. writing makes me feel better. sharing it and seeing if anyone can relate makes me feel a little more secure. ultimately i know very few people will ever see this and god help me if she ever finds this and reads it...but somehow it helps calm me down.
music lesson

save yourself...REVOLT

nothing to do with this blog just listening to that record. blessing fall from the heavens this day. my buddy sam who i havent seen in 10 years heard i wasnt doin so good so he drove over and helped me move all my stuff. then my buddy ken offered me his couch. then some guy who has never met me in his life and only knows me from a facebook fan page gave me a lil cash to help me get a place to live. seriously? who the fuck am i to complain with people like this in my life? fuckin stupid I am.
anyway we went over there. her and the kid sat on the couch the whole time. i went in there with fire in my eyes. iwas gonna take every last thing i ever bought. food microwave chairs...if it wasnt nailed down i was gonna take it....til i saw their faces....just couldnt do it. the big stuff of course but i couldnt leave the cupboard bare...i tried to reach out. i tried to tell them that if they ever needed me blah blah blah....stone faces. closing that door behind me...hearing it click for the last time. yeah i cried a little.....im a big baby. then the incredible kindness of a few dudes made me slap myself in the face and say quit crying you pussy. now im alone in a nice apartment drinking a beer and watching the dark knight on bluray.the shit looks weird...too clear...i like a little graininess in my movies.
i think me and sam are gonna try a podcast. musically it will focus on 80s/90s punk and hardcore. then we will talk shit and interview people youve never heard of about a time you dont remember playing music youve never heard before by people who no longer give a fuck about the shit they were hollarin about. im guessing only sam and i will be listening.
worst part about being dumped is all this smoking....i need to quit. my step mom just died of cancer and here i sit smoking a cigarette. disrespectful prick. oh and kirby called me. fucker was supposed to call back but didnt. i love that little fucker. one of my all time favorite people and proof that im not a racist.
fuck...i know this doesnt need to be said but heath ledgers joker is mind blowing.
music lesson

ok let me try this again

high road. i need to take it. dont need to slam anyone. dont need to act like a fucking toddler...i need to grow the fuck up and act like a man.whats my next move? i guess find a place to live. hopefully this place in burbank is still an option. gonna call the guy later today make up some bullshit as to why i bailed on him a few days ago and hope on wednesday ill have the funds to pay first and last. find somewhere to forward my mail. contact all my employers and give them an address to send my tax shit.....ummm not panic. my therapist said to me once that just coz you love someone doesnt mean you can live with them. i love her. i will forever love her butits painfully obvious that i have to move on. physically we fit perfectly. i mean honestly the physical intimacy was beyond anything ive ever experienced. the difference she made in me was huge. i got a taste of real responsibility. i lost 14 inches worth of jean size. i actually have a wardrobe. i have confidence that i never thought in a million years i would have. i found out that a beautiful sexy woman can actually find me attractive. im grateful for all of these things. i am going to try my damndest to wish her the best in her life. one day ill be able to not get sick at the thought of another man touching her. one day ill be able to hear her name or look at her picture without wanting to throw myself off a roof. hopefully one day ill be a successful person sitting in a nice house with my beautiful wife watching our kids open their christmas presents. maybe ill just be another failure heading back home to memphis to be a perma bouncer in some bar til i die from a gun shot wound to the head in a parking lot for throwing out the wrong people.....who knows?but i have to do what i shouldve done a year ago and realize ive been banging my head against the wall for a long lost cause. id be lying if i said ill be over her any time soon but goddamit shes over me and this is something that neither of us can ever get over. said it before but its never been so real. hell at least now i can travel again. go see my friends in amarillo and memphis and the bay area. maybe start a fucking band again. grow old as gracefully as a middle aged punk rock pervert asshole loser with abandonment issues and a bad temper can. yeah im a pervert. if your from memphis youve heard the stories. no point in denying it! but i think at my core im a good person. i think i have the potential to have a good life. i guess we will just have to see where that life leads me. at least no one can ever say i didnt try. good night everybody. sorry for being a dick. sometimes a big fuckin baby. sometimes im pretty fuckin cool.

guess it was about time...

so ive lived with a ton of shit recently. finding out how hypocritical my lady was. trying to let it go. finding out about the threeways she lied about and the guy back home she would send nude pics of herself to every time she got mad at me. trying to change everything about myself to make her want to stay with me when the truth is she is a toxic crazy lying piece of trash that i shouldve left in memphis. i certainly shouldnt have wasted thousands of dollars getting her out of trouble and moving her here. tonight i called the police coz she was going nuts and threatening me. just wanted to find out my rights while i looked for a place to move. well she lied and told them i took her phone to keep her from calling the cops...i called the fucking cops!!!!! i took her phone to show her her lies werent gonna play and i could read her the text messages she got from this guy after she sent him the pictures. oh and wanted to ask her about the time i paid for her to go to sacramento to see her girlfriends only to find out she NEVER even spoke to these imaginary friends and stayed in a hotel...with god knows who...then she told the cops that i have a gun and shes scared. i do not own a fire arm. i sold my grandfathers pistol last christmas coz we needed money for food. of course the cops didnt want to look or listen to me coz shes the hot young mom they all want to fuck...they flirt with her every time they are on the property for any reason at all....so both her and her daughter hit me...i didnt lay a finger on anyone...yet im the asshole who is told to leave. they wouldnt even let me go in an pack a bag...now i was told i COULD say she hit me but he would arrest me as well so i kept my mouth shut. even after all that i didnt want her in jail nor did i want her kid with CPS over night.luckily my buddy ken is letting me crash on his sofa.
no idea how or when im gonna find a place to live but i tell you what....probably the best thing thats ever happened to me. sure i have issues...but this chick...fuck me shes a nut job. im glad i didnt buy that ring. im glad we never got married or had any kids. i truly love this girl but there is no way we had a future. heres my advice. when every single person you know tells you someone is no good for you and that she is insane and ruining your life.....listen to them coz you cant see the crazy like they can. i shouldnt be writing this. i should be the bigger man....but fuck that. its 2 am and im scared and alone and completely unsure about my future.
i spent 6 hours holding her hand in an urgent care clinic today coz shes sick. i went and paid for her perscription. i made them dinner and tried to go to sleep....but even after all that she mistook something i said as sarcasm and lost her mind over it. i calmly tried to explain and apologize for the misunderstanding for half an hour before finally saying fuck it. if you want to cuss me out over my perceived behavior let me throw your behavior right back in your face. of course no one wants to be told all the rancid shit they do. anyway...i shoulda stopped gone downstairs gone to sleep....but i wouldve never been happy.
now i can refocus on writing...acting...living....im honestly not even mad or sad or any of that shit. im homeless but fuck man im free. i just feel bad that i have lost friends over this. i have pushed so many important and good people away trying to "be happy". im such a prick. i wanted a family and a beautiful girl so badly that i was too blind to see how it was fucking up my life. i guess i could be vindictive. i guess i could try and pay her back...completely nonviolently ....but i hope i can just let it go. 2 years of great sex! go me. im not completely innocent in this. i have my issues and my demons. my anger and my need to always be right were a definite obstacle but if im the only one willing to face these problems and try to be a better person its just never gonna work.
so sleep well my beauty. tomorrow you get to face to realities of life on your own. paying your own bills cleaning your own place. buying your own food. taking care of your kid solo....i know ill never see a dime of thoe thousands i spent keeping you safe and happy and taken care of but lesson learned. hopefully when the right girl pops into my life ill be ready and wont go nuts trying to force something that just isnt meant to be. there will always be love for her in my heart. truly....no idea if im making sense...just venting. cops are dicks.