im gonna stay young until i diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie

I cant sleep so I thought Id do this. Bored out of my skull and nothings on television so I went to find a dvd....then I realized I sold them all to help pay to get my ex moved here....just like my record collection. I used to love my dvd and record collections. Even when I wasnt watching or listening I loved flipping through them...seeing them...knowing they were there and they were all mine. Now I realize I could pack up everything I own, cept for my mattress, into my honda and move on a moments notice. know what I realized? Im kinda glad. I used to have so much shit....now dont get me wrong i dont think movies and records are shit....but I was so bogged down with possessions that in a way I think I lost myself. Maybe thats just late night too much scotch talk. I don't know. Why the fuck am I writing this. This stupid blog has actually been more trouble than it's worth. actually cost me something kinda awesome a couple weeks ago...but here I am...doing what I always do...making trouble for myself. what i need to be is way more fucking private. if i have to write just write about the celtics or the tigers or alabama...or movies...or records.... like why the fuck is it that stallone can write something as moving and powerful as rocky or first blood and then turn around and shit out a piece of garbage like expendables 2? ooooh or i could complain about how badly some comic book movies got it wrong....or how much i miss my negative approach 7 inch....all time favorite record by the way...sold it for "my family".
honestly as far as the family/ex situation is concerned Im actually pretty ok with it all. I was completely blinded by my own desire for love and family that I tried to force my square peg into her round hole. no no no not that way. the sex was GREAT! i allowed myself to believe it was right when from the beginning the rational part of my brain new it wasnt. Now I know. man did i learn A LOT in the last couple of weeks. main thing I learned was that Im better off. not slamming her, but I am much better off without that relationship. there. i said it. i couldnt see what all my friends lept trying to point out to me for 2 years. i couldve seen it but i chose not too. now im lighter. physically. emotionally. mentally. lighter. this thing wasnt all bad however. i learned a lot about myself. a lot about how a relationship SHOULD be. I just hope when the right one does come along I can find that balance. not so open that i fall into the same trap but not so closed off and guarded that i shy away from it.
going back to memphis on tuesday. last trip was an absolute fucking nightmare. this time should be better. i can actually see my friends and enjoy my time with them. no dramatic bullshit from 3000 miles away fucking with my head. ill see my dad for the first time in a long time. first time since his wife passed. not sure what to say...or do...im sure a hug of some sort will be involved. sometimes i miss memphis. it can be a violent dark hopeless place...but it is still home. it is still full of some of the best fucking people i have ever encountered in all my days and all my travels. its familiar and special and terrible and sad and beautifully ugly and sometimes just plain beautiful. i dont think i will ever live there again but i know it will always be there when i need it and there will always be some really incredible human beings waiting there to welcome me back with alcohol and food and a couch to crash on.
what else....was thinking earlier about how im 36 years old now. i dont feel 37 but there it is. my ex used to always say i am immature. that a grown man shouldnt have punk flyers on his wall and shouldnt go to shows and listen to "that noise"(she thought nickelback was the best show she's ever seen if that gives you any indication as to what i was dealing with), but as i stood there looking in my bathroom mirror and saw all my tats that she hated and could hear the copout record blaring from the other room....i realized i am kinda immature and thats fuckin ok with me. God save me from a boring "mature" life devoid of adventure and silliness and loud music and travelling in beat up old vans and sleeping on the filthy floors of really nice people. yes im older and i have responsibilities now....hell i spent 2 years taking care of a wife and kid that were never really mine at all. i pay my bills. i pay my taxes. i listen to youth of today. i live my fucking life the way i want to again. not the way someone else thinks i should. live your life for you!!!!! thats a negative approach song. lets listen shall we?

so im officially drunk off my dick and ready to pass out. hope everyone had a spectacular weekend. im gonna listen to tom waits and fall asleep and who knows i might even wake up tomorrow.

long

Alabama won the sec championship today. Kentucky and the evil coach cal lost. Normally id be bouncing off the walls and looking forward to celebrating in the arms of my beautiful girlfriend.instead ive spent the whole day chain smoking and tossing around in my bed. The sheets still smell like her. no friends around tonight. No way to hide from my thoughts. Just me and my shadow. Maybe ill try and work on my script some. Not sure i can focus...
This new apartment is awesome. Im living in a 3 bedroom condo with a very nice 50 something jewish lady. Now no pork allowed in this house but she pays the utilities and the cable and theres a maid that comes and does my laundry. Theres a washer and dryer and a dishwasher in the unit and im close to everything...oh and rent is cheap....but Without the people i have come to know as my family its just an empty cubby hole.
Hey whaddaya know...the grizz are beating the spurs....
I know everyone is gonna comment “itll be ok bro. Chin up things will get better” thanks guys. Really. But save it. Its not going to get better any time soon. I would give anything to book something so i could at least work. Make some money. Have something to focus on. Why do i even waste my time writing this shit? Makes me feel better for a few minutes i guess. I want my brain to stop working.
I had a lot of fault in this. I wont deny it. Her issues collided with mine and if i had tried to fix mine sooner maybe I would be lying on the couch watching law and order svu and getting ready to make love....god How i miss the making love.... Instead i keep staring at the clock hoping it will speed up to a decent time to go to sleep. Kinda wish i had sleeping pills. If i go to sleep now naturally ill be up at 3 am....pills Though and i oculd be out for a while. Ambien would rule.blah Blah fuckin blah shut the fuck up patrick. There are people in this world with real problems. Yeah i know but i cant see past my own pain right now. One day when its gone ill double my efforts to save the world ok? I cant even port this til tomorrow coz i dont have internet and will have to go sit at fucking starbucks. Tuesday! Then ill have it! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck why cant i have something to do tonight??????
Now its sunday. Nope dont have the desire to go sit somewhere with wifi. Maybe tomorrow. Had it out with her again. Well...she called to be “calm” and did what she always does. She told me all the awful things i did and then when it was my turn to get things off my chest she hung up in my face so it just dissolved into a text message battle. I keep going through different mindsets. After this i was all about im over her. The sadness was replaced with anger and having said some things i had always wanted to say...a bit closure. Now though.....i dunno......i guess maybe this should be my last blog about it. Im sure you fucks are tired of hearing about it every day. so many positives about being on my own right now but im just a man who needs some comfort. I need someone to come home too. To hold hands with. To feel connected too. My best friends are all in texas and tennessee. The guys who would be my wingmen on my hunt for someone new. The guys who would drop everything and drink with me on a saturday night....or a monday night...i need a little bit of that right now. Ok im gonna fuck off now. Not having the internet is killing me. I could at least be watching some tv shows on my computer...or some porn....either Way. No people...phone porn is NOT a good substitute. You know i actually gave up porn while i was dating her? She didnt believe it but it was true. Sleep tight, angel....or Devil....still Deciding.