Thursday, July 14, 2011
DAD
my dad and i have always had a very rocky relationship. i spent the first 16 years of my life fearing him. I spent a good part of the next 13 or so hating him. I mean black out and find myself punching a wall wishing it was his face knuckles bleeding hate. things change. perspectives. his. mine. ours. hes a different man now. so am i in many ways. either way its good to have him in my life again. in fact he bailed me out of a jam today. do a couple of good years of positivity erase decades of mental and physical and emotional terror? not completely but its a good start. the man had me in his 20s. i think like many he thought he was supposed to get married and start a family after college. i dont think he knew what he was getting into in either instance. i think he freaked out and was overwhelmed. not making excuses for him just thinking out loud. i kinda feel like a dad now. i feel like ive started my own family. i hate to think how bad i woulda fucked that up at 24. now at 35....kinda feels like im ready for it. i always said i would never be like my dad. im cool being like my dad at 60. its a huge responsibility...not just financially but i mean for fucks sake...you play a large part in how another human being turns out. their happiness sadness success failure... a large part of that is completely up to the parent. sorta mindblowing....totally worth it. i dont have the freedom i had 6 months ago. i dont have the money i had 6 months ago. im happier than ive been in my entire life though so i dont really mind. kinda wonder how me and my old man wouldve been if he had had me at 35 instead of 20 something. family....waited so long to have one. hope i dont mess it up. i mean yeah my friends are family....but i mean sit down and eat together, spend the holidays together, make it a blockbuster night FAMILY. good times. now if someone would just put me in their movie/tv show and pay me more than the minimum amount possible my life would be absolutely perfect. i dont need to be a millionaire....i mean ill take it....just enough to take the family snorkling in the bahamas and come home to our cozy 3 bedroom in the valley complete with lush green yard for the dogs and a swimming pool. might even get a hammock. yes honey id love some more ice tea......dad. daddy. pops.....call me dude if you want. its the love im after not the name tag.
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Pat...no man is ready for his own kids. The culture doesn't prepare him at all. And there's no instruction manual.
ReplyDeleteMy old man was the son of a Pittsburgh bootlegger in the 1920's, and dad turned out to find his instruction manual printed on the bottom of a bottle of Seagrams 7 Crown. I kinda missed him, as a kid, as he just ... wasted away. He did leave me with one lesson: read the fuck out of anything at the library. Now I'm a writer with two novels under my belt. (Next step: Find an agent).
But I would never think of coming out to him, EVER, and I never did. I still don't regret that.
Anyhow, "no instruction manual" doesn't mean dad-hood can't use some self-awareness. Put down the Xbox for awhile, provide for the kid, etc. Pay attention. Simple stuff, but most guys run away from that 'cause they've never got the attention from their own dads. I've got a friend in his 40s who's learning those lessons and he's really digging it. Great kids, too.
You got it right: it's the love, not the name tag that counts. Good luck, man.