im gonna stay young until i diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie

I cant sleep so I thought Id do this. Bored out of my skull and nothings on television so I went to find a dvd....then I realized I sold them all to help pay to get my ex moved here....just like my record collection. I used to love my dvd and record collections. Even when I wasnt watching or listening I loved flipping through them...seeing them...knowing they were there and they were all mine. Now I realize I could pack up everything I own, cept for my mattress, into my honda and move on a moments notice. know what I realized? Im kinda glad. I used to have so much shit....now dont get me wrong i dont think movies and records are shit....but I was so bogged down with possessions that in a way I think I lost myself. Maybe thats just late night too much scotch talk. I don't know. Why the fuck am I writing this. This stupid blog has actually been more trouble than it's worth. actually cost me something kinda awesome a couple weeks ago...but here I am...doing what I always do...making trouble for myself. what i need to be is way more fucking private. if i have to write just write about the celtics or the tigers or alabama...or movies...or records.... like why the fuck is it that stallone can write something as moving and powerful as rocky or first blood and then turn around and shit out a piece of garbage like expendables 2? ooooh or i could complain about how badly some comic book movies got it wrong....or how much i miss my negative approach 7 inch....all time favorite record by the way...sold it for "my family".
honestly as far as the family/ex situation is concerned Im actually pretty ok with it all. I was completely blinded by my own desire for love and family that I tried to force my square peg into her round hole. no no no not that way. the sex was GREAT! i allowed myself to believe it was right when from the beginning the rational part of my brain new it wasnt. Now I know. man did i learn A LOT in the last couple of weeks. main thing I learned was that Im better off. not slamming her, but I am much better off without that relationship. there. i said it. i couldnt see what all my friends lept trying to point out to me for 2 years. i couldve seen it but i chose not too. now im lighter. physically. emotionally. mentally. lighter. this thing wasnt all bad however. i learned a lot about myself. a lot about how a relationship SHOULD be. I just hope when the right one does come along I can find that balance. not so open that i fall into the same trap but not so closed off and guarded that i shy away from it.
going back to memphis on tuesday. last trip was an absolute fucking nightmare. this time should be better. i can actually see my friends and enjoy my time with them. no dramatic bullshit from 3000 miles away fucking with my head. ill see my dad for the first time in a long time. first time since his wife passed. not sure what to say...or do...im sure a hug of some sort will be involved. sometimes i miss memphis. it can be a violent dark hopeless place...but it is still home. it is still full of some of the best fucking people i have ever encountered in all my days and all my travels. its familiar and special and terrible and sad and beautifully ugly and sometimes just plain beautiful. i dont think i will ever live there again but i know it will always be there when i need it and there will always be some really incredible human beings waiting there to welcome me back with alcohol and food and a couch to crash on.
what else....was thinking earlier about how im 36 years old now. i dont feel 37 but there it is. my ex used to always say i am immature. that a grown man shouldnt have punk flyers on his wall and shouldnt go to shows and listen to "that noise"(she thought nickelback was the best show she's ever seen if that gives you any indication as to what i was dealing with), but as i stood there looking in my bathroom mirror and saw all my tats that she hated and could hear the copout record blaring from the other room....i realized i am kinda immature and thats fuckin ok with me. God save me from a boring "mature" life devoid of adventure and silliness and loud music and travelling in beat up old vans and sleeping on the filthy floors of really nice people. yes im older and i have responsibilities now....hell i spent 2 years taking care of a wife and kid that were never really mine at all. i pay my bills. i pay my taxes. i listen to youth of today. i live my fucking life the way i want to again. not the way someone else thinks i should. live your life for you!!!!! thats a negative approach song. lets listen shall we?

so im officially drunk off my dick and ready to pass out. hope everyone had a spectacular weekend. im gonna listen to tom waits and fall asleep and who knows i might even wake up tomorrow.