hard floor cold reality

I feel like a prisoner...marking on the wall counting down his days til freedom. 25 to go....give or take...she came home after a long day of being elsewhere. Im assuming the waterpark with the kid. she went into the bathroom and closed the door. i went outside to smoke...really need to quit smoking again....couldnt see her face. bad enough hearing her voice. at least when its not directed at me there is no anger in it.....peaceful and horrible at the same time. my back hurts from this floor my lungs hurt from these damnable smokes my head hurts from all the tears and my heart hurts for obvious reasons. my friends all say run. my mind agrees. my heart.....it wants it all to go back to the way it was. it wants a time machine so I can go back and do things differently.....even though my mind also knows it is dealing with a crazy person who is well beyond the grasp of reason. yo yo. up and down. one minute im defiant and ready to start my life again....those are usually the moments when shes gone or a friend is pumping me full of confidence....the next its back to listening to sad songs and praying that maybe she will wake up tonight and miss me being beside her....beside her is my default position....havent missed more than a night or two there in over a year and a half.... 25 more days. then my pining can be done elsewhere and hopefully slowly be less and less of my daily ritual.i need to focus. i need to be in the gym. i need to be writing a new script. i need to be in a bar somewhere flirting with some girl who in my mind will be named tina..... anyone else heard that garth brooks song? which one of them will be you tonight? beautiful...and a warning to any rebounders I may wind up kissing one day I may accidentally call you by her name. dont be mad...ok you can be mad but I wont be able to help it. maybe ill just call you baby to keep myself out of trouble. who is the guy thats gonna take me place? maybe for a night maybe for an eternity....will she be thinking of me? will she accidentally scream out my name in the heat of passion? god i hope so. im glad though that we dont really share any friends so out of ight out of mind. in my mind she will take a vow of celibacy and spend the rest of her life wondering why she ever left me...in a nunnery somewhere... really? sweet n low by trusty isnt on youtube? savages....if you know that song thats how im feelin right now.... hope i find that someone soon. that someone who will take away the pain and replace it with a future. I need to watch more sons of anarchy...get my tough guy fuck it all manliness going again. maybe i need to get into a fight? oh nevermind the new episode of breaking bad just got done downloading....i introduced her to that show. we watched all 4 seasons in a month. night and day....gonna be weird watching it without her. well hell if skylar and walt can work things out..... when will i stop writing about this you ask? i dont know. its always made me feel better and since no one cares to read zines anymore....i guess ill do this....ill stop one day....fuck. gonna watch breaking bad...no trusty huh...what can i leave you guys with.... ummmmmm

maybe something upbeat....